tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2253835380551102822.post2588547409254093044..comments2023-05-19T05:28:27.349-07:00Comments on Judean Rose: The Ring Theory of KvetchingVarda Meyers Epstein (Judean Rose)http://www.blogger.com/profile/17159600299817776906noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2253835380551102822.post-91592370032511114722014-03-27T23:23:26.496-07:002014-03-27T23:23:26.496-07:00Thanks for sharing these words here, Darlene. I...Thanks for sharing these words here, Darlene. I'm so sorry you lost your husband at such a young age and so suddenly. I understand what you're saying because I lost my father suddenly when he was just shy of 54, and one of the things that comforted me was how so many people showed up for the funeral. It made us, his family, know he was loved, appreciated, and missed. That was a huge comfort. <br /><br />Now that I think back on it, I can't remember anyone saying anything that upset me during that time of grief. Everyone who made the effort to visit is remembered and appreciated.Varda Meyers Epstein (Judean Rose)https://www.blogger.com/profile/17159600299817776906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2253835380551102822.post-65680060755349118552014-03-27T19:31:47.433-07:002014-03-27T19:31:47.433-07:00I'm not sure how I stumbled on this but I thin...I'm not sure how I stumbled on this but I think it's great. I'm 54 and lost my husband suddenly 1 year ago to a heart attack. He was WONDERFUL! I then had to put our first, then second dog down months later and a few months apart ... my house went silent. I work from home so the seclusion has been vital in my grief. Family and friends have respected my request for privacy, sometimes dropping off dinner and talking if I need to. Noone has pushed themselves on me or said anything offensive. There were so many people that came to his service and when I sent my thank yous, I expressed my appreciation for them coming out to be there with us (daughter and grandson, age 6) in our grief, especially on a Friday night. I wrote in almost every card that I understand sometimes it's hard to go to these things, but as the widow, it made me feel proud for my husband. Many of his male co-workers came, which can be very hard for men, but I made sure they knew how much it meant to us that he was represented by his workplace. So to anyone who is not sure if they would be welcome at a service if they were not particularly close to the person, I want to say it is very much appreciated by the family. The fact that you would take the time to send a card, leave a message, or attend a service is heartwarming and never forgotten. It's helps in the healing process. And don't worry about finding the right words, the simple "I'm sorry" is just fine.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17296208175288150256noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2253835380551102822.post-7432657529594922702014-01-07T21:45:27.131-08:002014-01-07T21:45:27.131-08:00So thoughtful Karen. We often just talk too much w...So thoughtful Karen. We often just talk too much when we ought to just shut up and let our presence speak for itself. <br />Dave Wittnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2253835380551102822.post-966816770673722122014-01-07T21:23:42.984-08:002014-01-07T21:23:42.984-08:00Thank YOU, for your kind comments, christinam. I&#...Thank YOU, for your kind comments, christinam. I'm glad you found the ring theory helpful. I know it helped me!Varda Meyers Epstein (Judean Rose)https://www.blogger.com/profile/17159600299817776906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2253835380551102822.post-82871661364842889302014-01-07T16:10:32.298-08:002014-01-07T16:10:32.298-08:00I have recently dealt with the deaths of several c...I have recently dealt with the deaths of several colleagues, none really close friends, but my heart goes out to their families. This article really helps. I love the idea of waiting for the mourner to speak, but the "visitations" we have in the midwest are a nightmare. The family stands as though they are in a receiving line and people file past. A recent visitation turned out literally hundreds of people. I HATE that tradition. This also really speaks to the importance of stepping outside your little world and being there for people - it may freak me out, or upset me, but it's so important to others that I take the time and visit. It's NOT about me. It's about caring for others. Thank you!christinamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15314127600659629522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2253835380551102822.post-85979685786827466642013-10-17T21:56:36.684-07:002013-10-17T21:56:36.684-07:00Amen! Funny how hard it is for me to put myself ou...Amen! Funny how hard it is for me to put myself out there, when I have no trouble spilling my guts to the world on the Internet. I'm glad that shiva calls and visits to the sick must be done in person, because otherwise, I'd find a way to do that electronically, too!! Hashem knows I need to be getting out there, I just need the tools. Like this one.<br /><br />Thanks for reading and commenting, Ruti!Varda Meyers Epstein (Judean Rose)https://www.blogger.com/profile/17159600299817776906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2253835380551102822.post-4059828999133970972013-10-17T11:42:17.178-07:002013-10-17T11:42:17.178-07:00Genius. A wonderful tool for an extremely difficul...Genius. A wonderful tool for an extremely difficult but necessary social function. Thank you, Varda! In the merit of publishing this and taking it on as your own guide, may Hashem bless you with an easier time "in the trenches."rutimizrachihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06809119908148195009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2253835380551102822.post-17515982408217670482013-10-17T06:35:10.968-07:002013-10-17T06:35:10.968-07:00Good point, Karen.
Me? I'm the bozo who will...Good point, Karen. <br /><br />Me? I'm the bozo who will still mess things up in the shiva house even after waiting for the mourner to acknowledge me and have his/her say. So I'm REALLY glad I came across the Comfort in, Dump out, idea. I know it will stand me in good stead.Varda Meyers Epstein (Judean Rose)https://www.blogger.com/profile/17159600299817776906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2253835380551102822.post-54519319572628403782013-10-17T06:13:48.124-07:002013-10-17T06:13:48.124-07:00I saw the original article and it's brilliant....I saw the original article and it's brilliant. However, there is another theory of how to handle shiva calls in particular, and it's part of our tradition. When you visit a mourner, you don't say anything to them until they speak, and you take your cues from them as to what they want to talk about. If they want to tell stories about their relative, let them, and you can contribute any stories you know about them. If they want to talk about the news, then you talk about the news. If they don't want to talk at all, that's fine too. <br /><br />All the cliches that people hear about how it is G-d's will, or that it will get better, etc. -- you don't say anything like that, because nobody asked you. If at some point, the person wants to share their perspective with you, whether it's because you have been through something similar or because they feel very close to you and they want your input, then they will ask you. At which point you could still say something stupid, but it improves your chances.Karenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13915399347177829566noreply@blogger.com