Phone Phobia

hone phobia. Am I the only one who suffers from this malady?





What is it about me and phones? Well, for one thing, there's that old canard about using a phone with wet hands during a storm and getting struck by lightning. But no. I know that's just an old wives' tale.









It's something else. Something that makes my heart begin to pound when I have to make a phone call. Something that makes me sound awkward and on occasion, say really dumb stuff I'd had no intention of saying. Other times, I just sound low-key to the point of appearing rude and uninterested, though I AM interested, or would be, if I could just get over my stupid fear that I'm going to say something stupid and I'm going to do it any second now.



Not long ago, a cell phone company representative came to the house to sell us on a new plan; one that trumped the plan we have with our current provider. The representative was able to access the number of minutes we spent on our phones during the past month. Dov: 397 minutes, Me: 14 minutes.

Me, I like to TYPE. I am a different creature online than I am in person. But as bad as I am in person, a little shy, a bit awkward and fidgety, on the phone I'm barely human.

One of my kids developed a little routine. He says, "This is Eema (Hebrew for mom) on the phone," and then he paces back and forth manically going, "Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh..." and all my family members laugh because, while I had no idea I paced when I make phone calls, apparently I do and this mimicry is (apparently) an uncanny imitation of my phone call behavior. I began to notice that what the Hell, I DO pace manically (maniacally!) back and forth when I'm on the phone. Freaky.

Still, onward and upward as they say. I aim for self-improvement and I know this phone phobia thing is a bad, bad thing. I need to get over that: get over myself.

So today I picked up the phone and called my friend Leora and asked if I could come by to hang out and shmooze for a bit. As we're arranging time and so forth, in the back of my head, there is this voice saying, "She's probably incredibly busy and the last thing she wanted was drop-in company."

Now I have no idea why my brain does that: fills in blanks that probably aren't even there. But I'm glad it was Leora I called. I called her for a reason. You see, I know Leora really, genuinely likes me. And that helps me not be so afraid to put myself out there with her.

So I walked over to Leora and we chatted for awhile and it was FINE.

Yet I know the next time I pick up the phone will be no different. I'll still think I'm imposing myself on someone's busy day. I'd like to pat myself on the back and think it's just because I'm so ultra-considerate of others, but that would be a lie. I don't know why I am afraid of the phone and making calls.

Someday, maybe I'll figure it all out. 

Honesty and Voyeurism

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ommenting on my newest venture, this blog, one friend commented, "Nice job & beautiful name. One comment...I'd take this out:

"Perhaps "disputed territories," or, "over the green line," would suit the purposes of liberals, but for me, this is just politics.

It's honest but there's no point in possibly alienating someone who might read your blog & throw you some work."

My immediate response to these words was puzzlement. I couldn't think why these words would alienate or offend anyone. But this friend is someone whose opinion I value and I didn't want to dismiss her comments out of hand. After some thought, I understood her point: a great many people get really hot and bothered about their political beliefs and for me to toss off these words in such a cavalier manner could really get someone's dander up.

But blogs are meant to express the opinions of the writer with deep personal honesty. In the old days, people kept diaries under lock and key. The authors of diaries knew that no other eyes would ever read their words and this gave the writer a sense of entitlement and the absolute freedom that came with the permission to air private thoughts.

To my mind, a blog is a narcissistic venture by its very nature, which is why I resisted the urge for so long, to create my own blog. It seems to me that in general, bloggers crave an audience and those who read their words are engaging in some permitted voyeurism.

I wonder how Ann Frank would react if she could know that so many people have read of her most intimate, coming-of-age experiences and feelings?

But in fact, that is what keeps readers so entranced with her words: the writing of diaries is no-holds-barred writing. It's honest and straight to the heart of the matter. The author need not fear reaction, because the words remain unread.

These unshared words, never aired, are in a sense, unborn. We feel privileged knowing that we will never read more honest words than those never intended to be seen by other eyes. These words speak to us more than others, because we know that Ann was not concerned, as she wrote them, about how they would be received. More than that, we relate to her words because we have felt these same feelings, without having been able to air them to others.

There were some who vilified Otto Frank, Ann's father, for attaining fame through publishing his daughter's diary. The notion of someone becoming rich through personal tragedy was one root cause of this vilification, but there were some who felt that it was wrong to share Ann's most personal thoughts without her permission.

I used Ann Frank's diary to illustrate the idea that such deep and personal thoughts were once treated with delicacy and utmost privacy, at least until long after the death of the author. With the advent of the World Wide Net, we now have an open climate in which there are avid followers for the innermost thoughts of others. There is a partnership here: those who air their dirty linen in public, and those who like to watch.

So, yes, this seemed to me a difficult moral decision, this creation of a blog. I do want to be honest in my writing, but hope I will retain the dignity and delicacy of my private emotions.

But back to my friend's comments, which is where all this introspection really began. While I am not going to be publishing anything truly embarrassing on this blog, I do hope to feel free to state my honest thoughts about the issues and agendas that are important to me; those uppermost in my mind. My blog will not be about currying favor with a universal audience, but is instead, an attempt to gain a following by like-minded people, or to show those with different sets of sensibilities another side of the equation.

However, if someone were to become upset by my use of a particular phrase and write about it---well, great! Controversy? I welcome that.

I will never please everyone, but it seems to me that the next best thing to pleasing everyone is controversy and honest, polite debate.