The Thumper Paradigm

ne of my favorite movie lines comes from the animated Disney classic, Bambi. Thumper insults baby Bambi and Thumper's mother reprimands him, asking him to remember what his father always says. Thumper bows his head, ashamed, takes a deep breath and recites: "If you can't say something nice, [deep breath] don't say "nuffin" at all."


We like to say this in our home when the kids say insulting stuff to each other. It works as a catch-phrase, especially if you say it just like Thumper, so that it seems light and not accusatory. But it's a good rule of thumb for adults, as well.

I have a very fragile writer's ego. Another person's "constructive criticism" can lay me flat out and leave me unable to write for hours, days, or even weeks, until I manage to catch my equilibrium. Sound like an exaggeration? I swear it's not. It's God's truth.

Sue me, I'm human. I really need encouragement. Writing is like hanging your kishkes (Yiddish for guts) out there for all to see. It hurts when someone gives me even a valid criticism.

Funny how when you explain that, the people who hurt you try to tell you they are only being honest. "That's a poor word choice, there. I'm only being honest."

Sorry Chabibi (Arabic for buddy), I'm not buying it. That is stating an opinion and giving it a (fake) veneer of honest fact. Everyone is entitled to honest opinions, but opening one's mouth and sharing them is a different story. Better to stick to the Thumper Paradigm.

Thank goodness, my girlfriends are more sensitive. They are quick to make positive comments about my work and I imagine if they haven't got something nice to say, they keep it to themselves. Not because they are dishonest, but because they don't want to discourage me or hurt my feelings. And to my mind, refraining from discouraging people or hurting their feelings is a much higher spiritual level than speaking the truth.

Is constructive criticism important? Of course. But in the proper context. Watch the writer for signals. If the writer says, "Be kind. The editor tampered with this and I also had a specific readership to keep in mind," that's your key to find something, anything positive to say. And if you can't find SOMETHING positive to say, then apply the Thumper Paradigm.





My motives for writing may be sullied by my need for praise. I admit it: I gobble up praise and long for more. But there is a motive that supersedes my selfish emotional need: my wholehearted desire to assist my husband in providing for our large household. I don't think anyone could find quarrel with that motive.

So please, the next time you decide to become an armchair critic, remember the Thumper Paradigm and keep it to yourself.

Bletiquette

very month, I write 100 web content articles. My deadline is the 25th of every month. I hate having a deadline hanging over my head, so my normal work mode is to slave at my computer double-time so I can hand in my invoice early. This time I earned four free days--more really--since I have yet to receive my May writing assignments.

I experience a marvelous sense of freedom each time I manage this feat, but rather than rest on my self-congratulatory laurels, I cast about for something else to do. I don't know how to not be busy. It makes me feel guilty to be unproductive. So I get to work on my blog which lies in sad neglect most days of the month.

Yesterday, I worked on a blog entry for hours. At last I decided it was ready enough to publish. Maybe I embedded too many graphics and it looked a bit messy, but I made a point--a heartfelt one--and I was satisfied. I published the blog and then waited in a state of expectant tension for the comments to come in.

I got one comment from a faithful friend who never neglects to weigh in, always with a great deal of valued insight--I suppose he knows how much a writer appreciates feedback--but a big zero from everyone else. I told myself that with the time difference, maybe it was too early to expect much. I went to bed thinking that perhaps in the morning, I would find my in-box flooded with notifications of comments on my blog.

But no. Not a one.

Folks, the writer's ego is fragile. A bruised psyche means we may retreat into a corner to lick our wounds and stop producing words. But encouragement has the opposite effect and makes the words flow from our brains to our fingertips to your screen.

I try to encourage my friends who enter the blogging world by leaving comments and then feel a bit sad if they don't respond in kind. I have decided that just as there exists a code of etiquette for the internet we call, "Netiquette," there needs to be blog etiquette or, "Bletiquette," too. Here's my version of Bletiquette:

1) If a friend takes the time to blog and lets you know of a new entry, take the time to comment. A lack of response is hurtful. Even a simple phrase like, "This was well-written!" can make a blogger's day.

2) Quid Pro Quo--if you comment on a blogger's blog and the blogger doesn't return the favor, you are off the hook and need not comment on their thoughts in future.

3) Be polite. I had a total stranger comment, "good grief - this is the most ignorant thing I've heard in a long while."

4) If you are the blogger who receives the hurtful comment, give a thoughtful response. The writer who called me ignorant had a point as I discovered when I looked into the matter. I apologized and she confessed she'd been a bit rude and apologized in kind. She appreciated that I took the time to research and retract my stance.

5) Always attribute quotes and where appropriate, seek permission before naming names. Do those people a favor by linking their names to their websites or blogs to give them a bit of publicity.

6) If you leave a comment, sign your name or otherwise identify yourself. We want to know who you are!