I'm Blue but Rain Came Down

oday was a bad day for me and I am tired and still fighting not to be blue. I believe that it's possible for a person to fight the blues as long as one doesn't totally give in to the feelings. So, I got on with things as though it were just another day.

I got through my errands and my Friday baking (four sourdough challohs, 3 yellow layers for the decorated cake I will make for Yitzchak's upcoming bar mitzvah, and two marble cakes for Shabbes). I made lunch and did a couple loads of laundry. I played my iPod the entire time, thinking that music might help lift my mood.

Still, I had that heavy feeling all day and it persists until now, despite my best efforts. I know that people really like it when my blog is cheery and inspiring, so I debated about just not writing today. In the end I decided to push myself to write, just as I pushed myself to do everything else that needed doing today.

When I was a teenager, I studied drama at the Pittsburgh Playhouse. We were assigned to read about the Stanislavski Method and I learned that one can act from within or from without. To act from within is to invent a background, story, motive, or secret for your character, so that a performance is informed with greater depth. To act from without is to put on an accent, wear the clothes you think the character would wear, and otherwise act like you think the character would act, in hopes that one might internalize the character's persona.

My intent today was to do all the things I do when I'm happy, calm, and content. I'm acting from without. The hope is that if I act like everything is copacetic, somehow they WILL be copacetic.

Still, I didn't neglect to act from within either. I davened a slow Mincha, concentrated on the words, and said them with lots of feeling. I davened from the heart and I asked for help.

One very good sign that things will improve is that it is raining in Israel right now. In Israel, rain is a happy event. Our agriculture and our water supply depend on lots of rain, but not too much, during the winter months. When it rains at night during the rainy season, this is one definition of what we call "gishmei bracha" or rains of blessing.

Rain at the Western Wall at night

Gishmei bracha allow a person to do all his daytime chores by falling only at night when the day's chores are done. This is the kind of rain that is ideal because it doesn't impede us from our work, but replenishes the water supply while we are at rest. All day long, the skies had threatened rain. But the weather held, even if it was a bit blustery. Only when night fell did it rain.

This is a good sign and I am taking it that way: things will look up, my blue mood will lift, and all will be well once more.